Eh.

There are times when I genuinely hate not being able to completely control my emotions. Which is silly, really, since the whole point is that you aren't really supposed to control them. Tho, if I could, I would probably just flip a switch and turn some of them off right now, because really, it makes things less of an annoyance.

I like my new body wash, because it makes my skin ridiculous soft. Wow, that was feminine. But it's true. Sooooo soft.

Enjoying the laptop so far.. Bought a mouse for it yesterday, wireless and designed for use with a notebook pc.

I really.. Really hate stupid people. Specifically the people that call off at work lately. "Well, it's not really my fault that I didn't call off sooner, because I forgot I had to work, so can you just take off the no call no show?" No. You didn't call, you didn't show.

I hunger.

Work today, tomorrow, then off for three days. Sean's girlfriend is coming to visit for a week, starting on my first day off. I think a week after she leaves is when he's moving.

I'm seriously going to have to hit Panda in the face with a hammer. Dude was supposed to pay me 50 bucks a month, every month, since he graduated, as long as his stuff is in my house. He has paid for one month. He also bought me a PS3 (on sale for 400), so 9 months total covered.
HE GRADUATED LIKE 3 YEARS AGO. So he's supposed to start paying now, right.. "Well, if I ever go to the bank I'll take out money to pay you, but I'm never there"... He works at his bank. 5 days a week.

Going. To destroy him.

Odd tastes

So, it was recently said to me that I have some very unusual tastes. The whole thing started because I was in bed at the time and made a complaint about my pillow. The problem?

My pillow wasn't cold.

I know, right? So apparently it's an odd preference to have a cold, or at least not warm, pillow. I seriously cannot fall asleep if my pillow is above a certain temperature... This is why I tend to leave it near where the AC vent is whenever its moderately warm outside.

Other odd tastes.

I like instant lemonade best when it has slightly too much water. I like peaches that aren't fully ripe yet. I prefer fries that are "limp" as opposed to crispy. This isn't really odd, but apparently is out of place in my family, but I like steak and burgers to be medium rare, not medium well. Most of the time I would rather sit on the floor than on the couch, especially when playing Nintendo (the original, not one of the newer consoles). Oh hey, there's another, I like old video game music, especially when I'm going to take a nap. Personal favorites are the intro music to Megaman 3, Thray from Phantasy Star 4, and the title them for Zelda (as done in 8 bit. My mom called it elevator music).

Hokai, so...

I've got the laptop now.
It runs Vista, but I can bear with it until I get my free upgrade to Windows 7.
I opted for WinAMP instead of iTunes, cuz I like the customization.
It's set up for the wireless network in my house... And I can steal internet from my neighbors if mine goes out. Also, apparently I have three other people near me with the same internet service as me.
The only music on it is Duran Duran. Why? Because its all I've taken the time to download. I have like 15 days worth of music on my desktop.
I picked up a webcam for it too, with a built in mic and such. So now I can video chat with folks, tho I've only done so with one person.
That may have led to me staying up until 5am talking about random crap. :x Don't judge me!

So now all I can think of to buy is a headset (so that I don't have to keep taking the one from my desktop PC), a USB mouse (for if/when I play games on it, hate the touch pad for that), and a bag to carry it all in. Instead of getting a laptop bag, with all its weird compartments and such, I'm going to get a messenger bag. Laptop bags also cost like twice as much, so thats a key factor. I just need to find one I like.. Well, one I like enough to buy it. There's one I kinda want with a Zelda theme, where it has the Triforce logo in gold on top of a black and white background of the first game's world map... BUT! I know the ideal one I want. If I can find it, a black bag, with the Triforce/eagle logo in gray on the bottom right, but tilted, and large enough to take up like a third of the bag. I know I've seen it somewhere, now I just need to find it.

Seiten Taisei

It means "Great Sage".

So anyway, I opted to buy the laptop.. Tomorrow I'll have a (mostly) brand new Sony Vaio, for about 60% of its MSRP. Woot woot.

I realize that there are people who greatly disagree with some of the things I've done in life, and some of the things it's looking like I will do. Just trust that I can take care of myself, and anything I do is what I think will be right for me or make me happy in the end. I know it's easier said than done, but I'm also sure you know me well enough to know that I'm telling the truth.

No, I have not done anything stupid recently, nor do I plan to in the near future. I just wanted to get that out of the way now.

So apparently it's "Get in touch with your ex month"... Because for I have no idea what reason, exes keep trying to get in touch with me... I'm up to 5 now. 5! I didn't realize I even HAD 5 exes that I no longer talked to. Out of those 5, there's only 1 I even want to talk to. The rest are just.. I dunno. Having a crisis moment and telling me about how they made some huge mistake breaking up with me. I do not need my ego boosted any further.

So very looking forward to the August schedule. Why? Because I made the schedule. August and September. Everyone is off every other weekend, and the weekends you don't work are either 3 or 4 consecutive days off. Open and closing shifts are evenly distributed. AND... This is the best part.. AND... According to my boss, anyone that wants to take a day off on which they are currently scheduled, needs to either switch with a coworker or use vacation time for that day. No more uneven weekends for me! It's balanced!

I'M balanced again. This is great. Mentally, physically, emotionally in sync. I love this feeling. It's fantastic. I wanna go skydiving or something. Actually, I will. Next month on the 22nd, because I already know I don't work.

Randomness

The video for "Hungry Like the Wolf" is one of the weirdest things ever, but I'm addicted to the song for some unknown reason.

I may have a shiny new laptop for myself by the end of the week.

Better Off Ted is an amazing show. Burn Notice is still better.

I have apparently pissed off someone's boyfriend to the point where she isn't allowed to talk to me anymore. They've been dating a week. Somehow, I think I still win in that situation. It could be my arrogance, or it could be that I came out of it knowing I was the most adult party involved. Why was he so mad, you ask? Because he was being a little bitch when we were playing Halo, Tavish asked me why, and I told him the obvious answer... Because the kid has a fragile little ego, and he needs to boost it as much as he can, otherwise he cries himself to sleep. True story.

(Not) Surprisingly, I work 5 days this week instead of 4. Well, 4 and a half. BUT... Next week I only work 4. And my three days off are consecutive.

I find it odd that the aforementioned girl just texted me to say she's not talking to me anymore to protect me, and her relationship. For the record, I need no protection. From anyone. Especially not her boyfriend, cuz the kid is a twig. A slow twig that smokes and gets high all day, and could in no conceivable way harm me. I think he made mention once, either in person or on XBL, that he could totally take me in a fight. There was much laughter from everyone else around. I continue to win.

My new hoodies should get here this week!

http://nothingforx.blogspot.com/2009/07/metal-gear-solid-storytime-version.html

Everyone should watch that. It's funny. Funnier if you've played the game, but very entertaining nonetheless.

On fermented beverages

I very rarely drink. It's not that I dislike it or think it's wrong, I'm just rarely in the mood to do it. It's lost that new car feel. Tho, still, there are times I partake. Usually on New Years Eve, I drink quite a bit, which I've been told by friends leads to me being one of the funniest people ever... Because I become super nice. Like... I thought I was a nice person before. Apparently my honesty towards people comes off as me being an asshole (which, admittedly, I am a good portion of the time too).

I drink whenever I go to Shadowbox, unless I drove. So on my birthday for sure.

Friends birthdays, when they have parties involving drinking.

Tonight I just kinda felt like it. Didn't drink a lot, just enough to get a good buzz going.

One good reason not to drink? You start saying things that you mean, but don't want to say. Draw your own conclusions.

Another? Because I don't drink beer. Ever. I drink other forms of alcohol either straight, or mixed with some form of beverage. Like Coke or Dr. Pepper. I mostly gave up pop, and now the caffeine that was mixed with my alcohol is keeping me awake. Not cool.

So yeah. Moral of the story? Don't drink and talk. Or drink alcohol and caffeine together.

Also? I can type damn well, even when I've been drinking.

Comic Nerd Recap.

Going purely off of clothing items.

Current -
1 Green Lantern hat. (Classic GL symbol)
3 Green Lantern t-shirts (two of the Ion logo, got a new one since the other is wearing thin. One of Hal Jordan above the old GL comic logo)
3 Green Lantern hoodies (1 GL classic symbol, 1 Blue Lantern, 1 Red Lantern)
2 Batman t-shirts (1 classic Batman symbol, 1 Batman silhouette [gift from Heather])
1 Batman PJ Pants
1 Spider-Man t-shirt (classic Venom logo)
1 Spider-Man hat (movie 2, free from the theater)
1 Spider-Man club shirt (large Spidey image with nifty web background. For those who don't know, a club shirt is a button down shirt, usually of polyester or some other soft material)

Former -
1 Superman hat (Classic S shield symbol, now in the possession of Heather)
1 Green Lantern hoodie (Yellow Lantern symbol on black, also in the possession of Heather)

I believe from this recap it is plain what my favorite comic properties are.

Inevitable.

So I didn't talk to Heather for like 2 months. Once because she went crazy on me for no apparent reason, then we talked about a month later and she said she just needed space from me, so I didn't bother trying to talk to her after that.



Then I played Halo with a friend of hers. Said friend started an online relationship with one of Sean's friends that played with us, so Heather called me to ask about this young fellow, because she was concerned for her friend. She was kinda a jerk about it, but my attitude was basically whatever and I was a jerk in response. Next day she apologized, we talked about why we didn't really talk for two months, etc...



Basically, she was trying to be the bitter ex, with nothing to be bitter about. Talking to me just reminded her of how she felt about me and that she was happy with me, and had basically ended a relationship with the most perfect person for her, and it made her upset, etc. So she had spent 2 months trying to forget all about me, and it didn't work out terribly well. Or it may have, but when she started talking to me again it all fell apart. Actually before she started talking to me.



See, the reason she was a jerk about her friend and that situation is because earlier that day she went to Steak and Shake for the first time. If I was ever hungry and talking to her at like 1am, I went to Steak and Shake, so she associated it with me, and it made her remember everything happy about us. So we started talking normally again.



Unfortunately, normal for us means there's a lot of attraction, inevitably with admitting that the feelings are there and that we want to be together but don't want it just yet because of issues involved.



I thought I was past that feeling. She thought she was past it. She pointed out that it was going to happen, the feelings and want to be together would happen, there was no avoiding it. I disagreed. She was right. I don't like being wrong, so that's a bit hard for me to admit.



Total time from starting to talk again to hitting that point - Like 8 days. If that. Well, let's see... We started talking again last... Wednesday? She said "I love you" onnnn...Wednesday? Yeah. So 7 days. It's something we're both somewhat avoiding talking about now.

Clearly, I'm just not as in control of myself as I thought I was.

Also, I realized that anonymous comments weren't allowed on here, and since some people reading don't have google accounts, I changed that. Have fun.

"You're f***ing up my chi"

Today has just been one big day of being unbalanced in any way I can think of. My chi is, as the quote suggests, effed up.

So for some reason, physically, I'm just off balance today. I keep slowly leaning to one side when I walk and almost tripping and such. I usually have great balance, but today its all out of whack.

Mentally, I'm so focused on anything put in front of me that I shoot off in millions of directions and get horribly scatterbrained, instead of my usual composed self.

I'm not even going to get into the emotional, lets just say its all out of whack too, which hasn't been an issue in awhile.

So my chi is effed and its making me all kinds of tired and sick feeling.

Yesterday, Brad went home sick from work, and he was the closer. I was the mid shift, so I picked up the extra hours and covered the close... No biggie, right? Dawna also called off yesterday, and she was the opener. Guess who called off today when they were supposed to close?
Dawna.
Guess who was the mid?
Me.
So no one else could cover the closing hours. Two days, 27 hours of work total. Almost no sleep last night, because I stayed up til like 4:45 talking to someone, cuz I'm an idiot, and now I'm all out of balance.

As a kick in the pants, I also get to close tomorrow. The only day this week I was actually scheduled to do so. I suppose, at least, I'll get a decent paycheck out of all of this... Total of 11 hours of overtime. Not too bad. Tho I would much rather not feel like crap at the moment.

And you say the time goes rushing by
But it seems so slow to me
And you see a blur around you fly
But it takes too long, it seems so slow to me
Time keeps draggin on...
"The Ballad of Barry Allen" - Jim's Big Ego

Bleh.

I still don't have much to write about, so here's a general update on life...

I'm losing weight, yay.
Part of that is that I'm getting slimmer.
I'm working my way to drinking almost water only.
I'm really.. REALLY tired.
Insomnia is a drag.
So are early shifts on little sleep.
I'm very glad I only work for 4 hours tomorrow.
I was actually pretty insulted by something my sister did today.
I need to decide if I want to go to a birthday party this weekend... hmm.

I'm going to go sleep now before I pass out on the keyboard.

The perfect are the most flawed.

I really, honestly, have nothing to say right now. I was called perfect for someone recently, which is nothing new, I'd heard it all before. Thing is, I'm not perfect in any way. I just have flaws that are beneficial for others and potentially harmful for me. It's fun times.

"It's good to be the hero sometimes, isn't it? Getting to fly in and save the day... Feels good. Maybe someday you'll get to do it in real life.."

I may have spent a good two hours today sitting down and working out the math and science behind throwing lightning. Figured it out pretty good in theory, but in practice it would probably just explode in my face. Next up? Ionic propulsion.

Why yes, I am going to be Iron Man.

Today...

Was just... Meh. So I was at work, not much to do, because the past two days (read: the ones for MY scorecard this month) were understaffed and over volume (read: poor results, the opposite of what I want for my scorecard), so today was rebuilding. Yaaay. -_-

Tho I did have my review for LAST month, which was fine.. Took about an hour, had to go over stuff that I'm supposed to enter achievements on for my annual review... I've listed them for my personal goals and project oriented things, but not for my day to day job, because.. well.. I don't feel I achieve anything with my day to day. I do what I'm supposed to and get good results. Is it really an achievement to do what you were hired to do? APPARENTLY. So I need to work on that.

I'm mildly insulted by the suggestion that as long as I talk to my ex, we will inevitably be "doomed" to want to be with one another. I would be greatly insulted, but it's pretty true I suppose. Doesn't mean I'd let it happen, but whatever. I don't see any reason to throw away a friendship right now, especially one where the other person understands me almost better than I know myself.

I can't really think of anything else to write about. I would throw out a post on fortune cookie wisdom, but then I get carried away and write a book... So instead I'll close with some lyrics.


I'll never give up - never give in
Won't stop believing cause I'm gonna win
Sing with my soul before I get old
Cause there may be no tomorrow
There is no limit to what can be done
Climbing the mountain with power so strong
Dusty roads - down the way
Leaving the future behind me

"Spirit Never Dies" by Masterplan.

Well now

I genuinely can't think of anything to write about... So here's one of the best things I've ever heard.

"You know why you're so funny when you're drunk? Because you're actually nice! Like, seriously dude, you'll walk up to me and be like 'Robert... You're a great friend"

This was said to me the other night. I thought I was usually nice, except on the internet and to stupid people...

The energy it takes to move is precious, watch how you use it.

So... Balance.

It's a fun thing to learn how to do. I remember when I was a kid and I had absolutely horrid balance... Then I somehow got signed up for ballet, and bam, here I am, 20 years later with great balance.

Fun things to think about...

A balanced movement involves the entire body... Think of it as though you're attached to a pulley. If you move your arms and want to maintain balance while also conserving energy, you don't move one arm. You move both. Imagine a that a rope goes from each wrist to a point behind you... Now start walking. Your natural movement for your arms is that one swings back, the other swings forward. Lather, rinse, repeat. Pulley = balance.

It really applies to everything. Life is give and take, gain and loss. No one gets everything without paying for it in some way, and no one loses everything without gaining something in return.. It just isn't always what you're looking for. Balance in your everyday life is important, because it makes everything much easier to look at and deal with. Stress is killer if you don't balance it with something to relax.

For me, I have a few ways to relax... First, video games with friends. ESPECIALLY Castle Crashers. Wow, that game is fun. Zelda, different RPGs, things like that. Second, doodling. I'm very slowly working on my book, but doodling is what keeps me relaxed. Third... Well, let's be honest. I'm a flirt. I flirt a considerable amount with almost every attractive girl I know. Playfully, of course, with no real intent of starting something, because in most cases that would be awkward.

SPEAKING of which.. There's this girl, right.. Who I've been talking to recently, playing Halo, whatever. No biggie. Being a flirt, I have of course flirted, because she's attractive. No other motives, it's just part of my personality. Plus, she lives on the other side of the country, and that kinda crap can go to hell. Not doing that again. And she apparently has the same sentiment. OR SO SHE SAID.

So there's this friend of my roommate.. We'll call him Bob. Bob plays Halo with us. It is common knowledge that I am an asshole on the internet, and I act like I'm better than everyone... Either at the game, or at life (because I usually am, and it makes it more fun when there's banter). Apparently after they "met" (I was in a game with her, he joined us), they decided to start dating via Halo. This is fine, I don't judge either of them for that, and really I can't. Two days? Hell, that's plenty of time.

No, I judge on the fact that she thought this would make me sad. Me. Sad. Over a girl I've casually flirted with dating someone. It was to the point (before I knew they were "dating") that she was telling me over and over that she was sorry, and that she didn't want to make me sad. I wasn't sad, I just wasn't responding to all of her text messages because I was at work and in a bad mood because of it. Doesn't matter what I say, clearly I'm sad because she isn't madly in love with me. THIS IS A RECURRING THEME. It happens more often then I care to admit, and I always feel kind of bad when I explain that I really don't care if they date someone... It's like.. Crushing a part of their soul. It would never have occurred to me that people get upset that they haven't upset a friend. Like, really? YOU'RE sad because I'm NOT sad? Get over yourself already. THOSE people need some balance. Balance your ego with how you treat your friends.

Apparently she's now accepted that I'm not sad, and she doesn't need to feel bad about this. In other news, one of the many girls I know who went batshit crazy has accepted that she is, in fact, batshit crazy, and I was the most perfect person she was ever with. If I ever need fuel for my ego, it's right there. Someone who broke up with ME has acknowledged that they made a huge mistake, and I am awesome.

Game, set, match. I'm flippin' BATMAN.

Rambling...

So I'm a big believer that things happen. Not necessarily for a reason, but things do, in fact, happen. Trying to keep things from happening just leads to something else happening. Trying to do nothing is in fact doing something, so you can't escape the universal truth. Things are, whether you like it or not, going to happen.

So, today, I decided to see what random chance had to say about things happening, and I did it in the best way I could think of.

I used a Magic 8 Ball.

For those not "in the know", a Magic 8 Ball is a very simple device. It's a hollow ball, with a big 8 on one side and a window on the other. This hollow ball is filled with blue liquid and a die, which has on each side different responses.

It works like this... You hold the 8 ball, number side up. You ask a yes-no question. Turn the ball over and read your answer. As long as you're asking a yes-no question, the 8 ball has an answer. Sometimes you ask something as simple as "Do I want lemonade?", other times you can ask "Will there ever be world peace?"... Doesn't matter, because it's still yes or no.

So, being the super serious person I am, I asked the 8 ball all the serious questions about my life I could think of. Will I ever get married? Will I have any kids? Will I live a good life and die happy? Will I ever develop super powers? These are all questions that have been bouncing around inside my sleep deprived head as of late. Imagine my displeasure to see that all of the responses I got were negative.

How do you respond to the universe telling you that you will never get married, have children, live a happy life, or develop super powers? I mean really? Was that necessary? And yes, the 8 ball is a direct conduit to universal truth. How? Chance. Nothing determines the outcome except pure, random chance. Things happen, you can't predict it all.... But you can leave it all to chance.

There have been a whopping two times in my life that I felt I was in love with them and thought it might end up with me getting married, something that I didn't really ever plan on doing. Since I was old enough to realize the emotions that go with it, I pretty much decided it wasn't for me... I'm pretty ruled by my emotions, you see. I take things personally, and sometimes I hold a grudge (not often)... So, any situation where I would have to be in a deep, long lasting emotional attachment and deal with things like that seems like a poor decision on my part. And the first time, it was a poor decision. A very poor decision. And luckily for me, she declined... Had she not, I probably would have jumped off a cliff. A very high, very steep cliff, with sharp, pointy rocks at the bottom. Second time wasn't so much a mistake as poor timing, but eh. Live and learn I suppose.

Things happen. Whether you want them to or not. Once you realize that, it becomes much easier to pick yourself up and move on. Things are still going to happen, and if you aren't there to experience them, well... That's really your loss, isn't it?

Our lives are shaped by several factors. The people we know and are around, the things we experience, and how the world responds to them. I've been shaped over the past 25 years into who I am by events and people, no matter how minor.. Some I could control, and some I was just a bystander for. I've experienced my share of ups and downs, happiness and heartbreak, moments of doubt and moments of confidence. And they've all made me who I am.

I'm arrogant. I'm sarcastic. I'm bullheaded. I'm the guy who would stand and look straight into the eyes of impending doom and crack a smile, because I would rather face a challenge on my feet then die on my knees.

I'm self conscious. I'm soft spoken. I'm contemplated. I'm courageous enough to face hardships and take the grief for my actions onto my own conscience... And suffer under the weight of that grief.

This is who I am. It's who I was years ago. I'm proud of the person I've become. I'm proud of the friends I've made and the bonds I've created. I'd like to think some of them feel the same.

I am who I am, and I won't betray myself for anyone, no matter how great they may look in my eyes. It doesn't matter if I love you or hate you, you won't change me into something I'm not. And if all you care about is who you want me to be, not who I am, you may as well just shut the door on me right now... Because I don't need you.