Rambling...

So I'm a big believer that things happen. Not necessarily for a reason, but things do, in fact, happen. Trying to keep things from happening just leads to something else happening. Trying to do nothing is in fact doing something, so you can't escape the universal truth. Things are, whether you like it or not, going to happen.

So, today, I decided to see what random chance had to say about things happening, and I did it in the best way I could think of.

I used a Magic 8 Ball.

For those not "in the know", a Magic 8 Ball is a very simple device. It's a hollow ball, with a big 8 on one side and a window on the other. This hollow ball is filled with blue liquid and a die, which has on each side different responses.

It works like this... You hold the 8 ball, number side up. You ask a yes-no question. Turn the ball over and read your answer. As long as you're asking a yes-no question, the 8 ball has an answer. Sometimes you ask something as simple as "Do I want lemonade?", other times you can ask "Will there ever be world peace?"... Doesn't matter, because it's still yes or no.

So, being the super serious person I am, I asked the 8 ball all the serious questions about my life I could think of. Will I ever get married? Will I have any kids? Will I live a good life and die happy? Will I ever develop super powers? These are all questions that have been bouncing around inside my sleep deprived head as of late. Imagine my displeasure to see that all of the responses I got were negative.

How do you respond to the universe telling you that you will never get married, have children, live a happy life, or develop super powers? I mean really? Was that necessary? And yes, the 8 ball is a direct conduit to universal truth. How? Chance. Nothing determines the outcome except pure, random chance. Things happen, you can't predict it all.... But you can leave it all to chance.

There have been a whopping two times in my life that I felt I was in love with them and thought it might end up with me getting married, something that I didn't really ever plan on doing. Since I was old enough to realize the emotions that go with it, I pretty much decided it wasn't for me... I'm pretty ruled by my emotions, you see. I take things personally, and sometimes I hold a grudge (not often)... So, any situation where I would have to be in a deep, long lasting emotional attachment and deal with things like that seems like a poor decision on my part. And the first time, it was a poor decision. A very poor decision. And luckily for me, she declined... Had she not, I probably would have jumped off a cliff. A very high, very steep cliff, with sharp, pointy rocks at the bottom. Second time wasn't so much a mistake as poor timing, but eh. Live and learn I suppose.

Things happen. Whether you want them to or not. Once you realize that, it becomes much easier to pick yourself up and move on. Things are still going to happen, and if you aren't there to experience them, well... That's really your loss, isn't it?

Our lives are shaped by several factors. The people we know and are around, the things we experience, and how the world responds to them. I've been shaped over the past 25 years into who I am by events and people, no matter how minor.. Some I could control, and some I was just a bystander for. I've experienced my share of ups and downs, happiness and heartbreak, moments of doubt and moments of confidence. And they've all made me who I am.

I'm arrogant. I'm sarcastic. I'm bullheaded. I'm the guy who would stand and look straight into the eyes of impending doom and crack a smile, because I would rather face a challenge on my feet then die on my knees.

I'm self conscious. I'm soft spoken. I'm contemplated. I'm courageous enough to face hardships and take the grief for my actions onto my own conscience... And suffer under the weight of that grief.

This is who I am. It's who I was years ago. I'm proud of the person I've become. I'm proud of the friends I've made and the bonds I've created. I'd like to think some of them feel the same.

I am who I am, and I won't betray myself for anyone, no matter how great they may look in my eyes. It doesn't matter if I love you or hate you, you won't change me into something I'm not. And if all you care about is who you want me to be, not who I am, you may as well just shut the door on me right now... Because I don't need you.